Ninjas! Yarrr!

A few of you will already know that some friends and I are bringing some games to market.  It's been a lot of fun for us, seeing them start out as Biro scribbles on napkins, becoming lines and basic shapes on a screen that fall apart and disappear on collision, and progressing up to physics driven engines with a setting and a personality, bonuses and power-ups.  I'm going to talk mainly about the more advanced game we've been working on, we're hoping people will have as much fun playing it of course, and I'll keep you posted on when it's out in the various mobile app stores and wotnots.  As you might guess from the title, you play a Ninja, and you spend most of your time swinging about the place getting from target to target, while obstacles and dangers chip away at you.

We're basically working on the menu layouts and settings at this point.  There's some awesome graphics coming for those parts too and some pro cut scenes being built by people with more graphics skillz than I have, but what's there already has us pretty excited - it's just good to see ideas take actual form.  Well.. virtual form... you know what I mean.

Anyway, here's a little sample board.  These graphics aren't final copy but it gives you a sense of the elements... maybe.  Next time I update on this I might be brave enough to add some screenshots.

That's right - it's got Ninjas, it's got bombs, it's got cannons.  What more do you want in a game?!  What?  Sharks?!  Ohh... go on then, just a little one...


Be good!

Phil
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News from London Town

Long time no blog huh?

A few people have asked me about my blog over the past, well, year or so that I've not really done much, and in case you aren't one of them, my general view on MOMS was that it's shut down.
I did attempt to restart once or twice but I wasn't feeling the magic, which is to say I wasn't really blown away with my own posts, and so still, I guess it's kinda moth-balled.
There is a question of where to go next - since very occasionally I'd like to make a post, maybe spurts of regular blogging again, but I doubt I'll be committed to the pace I kept in the past.  An occasional blog doesn't get checked by the readers (those no RSS'ed up anyway) so doesn't serve the same function, yet, I suppose that's just how it is.
I'm also not too sure about keeping it 'Windows Live'.  It's always had some pro's and con's but I think I might check out Blogger and WordPress and have a think about a rebrand, and change of platform.
I've recently started a Twitter account, and I think it's fair to say I'm not really getting into that.  None the less, maybe there's a place for that in the new face of this blog... perhaps my twitter feed could post to a microblog section of the main blog site... keep up some small content between real posts.  But then... oh I dunno - I'll sort something out - watch this space.
But on the subject of occasional posts - if ever there was a time, this would be one of them.  Let's do a quick update on personal life...
Big Cheese to Big Smoke (well... medium cheese perhaps... anyway...)
I have moved from Manchester to London.  This has involved quitting my job for the corporate group whos' name shall not be spoken, leaving the team of bright sparks and tough nuts to fend off the business without me, and heading to Event Connections to take on the roll of Technical Manager.

I have to say... the adjustment has been hard.  Not that I didn't expect that to some degree, but really - it's been and continues to be hard.  I miss some of the people - there's more than a fair share of vipers around in any financial company but you know, that's just part of the game, and there's also really great people who make you laugh and keep you going, and as often as not some people can be all those things.
On a more... introspective note, I guess I felt like... well, important I suppose.  I had a lot of business knowledge and a broad roll for my skills.  A lot of freedom and answered to no-one really, barring the very occasional scrutiny of direct boss or the odd interest of the MD.  I always a strong bargaining position in daily work life and I had a good amount of influence and usefulness.  Changing jobs... you suddenly go from being a chief to being the new guy.  You know nothing, you're exposed to new things, and that highlights holes in your skill set you didn't know were there.  It's hard - humility was a post-it note on the back of my project folder before, now it's a daily companion and I hadn't realised how bad at knowing when to ask questions and knowing when to apologise I'd become.
Having said all that...
The stress levels in my previous job were insane.  Mattius and I were discussing it last week, as he's an old company vet/graduate/escapee too - from the same post in fact.  He'd recently had the first week in about 18 months that had come close to the stress levels he used to endure daily and it reminded him of the time.  Don't get me wrong - he loved it, but, we both also remember that you can't live like that for long.
And the new job is hard to handle now, but that will pass as I get more familiar, and once it does I think I'll be very happy here.  The exposure of weaknesses was one of the reasons to change environment, and it's all good opportunity to learn and improve.  In the mean time, I have a lot to offer in return - a lot of specialist knowledge I can turn to this place as time goes on - there's a lot to do and I'm in a good position to do it.  I hope :)

Manchester for London is an even swap for me.  Manchester has some obvious pro's - great people, familiarity, a manageable size - but London has its' share of charms too.  I have good friends here, the city is full of life and its' scale is inspirational, and there's something attractive about a city you've never quite explored.
I now live in Streatham, in a big house with a few other people.  Not living on my own isn't something I'm really finding hard to adjust to, mainly because when I 'lived on my own' I always had someone staying or visiting anyway, and I've got a lot of space in my new pad, so it's all good.
So there we go - I'm a small fish in a big ocean here, but that just means there's plenty of room to grow.
Be good!
__
Phil
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Aspirations

No no, I’m not talking about breathing out.  The other kind of aspirations – the ambition stuff, to aspire to be, to… well, let’s have a dictionary definition eh?  No expense sparred around here!

Dictionary.com tells us…

as⋅pi⋅ra⋅tion
1. A strong desire, longing, or aim; ambition
2. A goal or objective desired

And the urban dictionary adds…

aspire
1. To perspire around the area of the ass. Usually occurs between cheeks in temperate conditions or during exercise.
Leads to loss of body fluids, resulting in the need for rehydration.
Has been known to leave an arse-shaped residue on plastic chairs, which may lead to public humiliation, social disintegration and polarisation. Be warned.

So there you are. 

Russ said over lunch today that people lose their aspirations when they reach a certain age –  that age might be different for everyone, but at some point you’re not bothered about being more than you are.  Harsh eh?  I think I prefer to flip that round and say at some point people can become content with life, they realise the value of what’s around them and what they’ve accomplished.  He asked me if I thought I’d ever reach the point where I don’t aspire and without hesitation I replied ‘No’.  I surprised myself there if I’m honest - I thought that was an odd reply for me… because… I don’t feel like I’m aspiring much, and if I am, I don’t know what I’m aspiring to, but with 100% self assurance I blurted out a ‘no’, and the realisation of why I did so was in some way more hollow a thought than the alternative.  I think I’ll always aspire to be more than I am, because, and I’m kinda opening up here more than I like to do, because on a very deep level, I don’t believe I will ever feel content with what I am.  Those words are carefully selected there… I think a lot of people aren’t content with who they are, and I don’t think I’m one of those people.  I’m like who I am, but I don’t think I’ll ever be content with what I am.

This train of thought comes off the back of some longer term thought and provoked most recently by a group of people down south who I did church with a few weekends back.  They were thinking about who they are – who, when you take of all the labels you wear – who you are to everyone else and the ‘off the shelf’ identities that you’ve poured yourself into the shape of and cling to so strongly… when you stop being your job, or the friend of your friends, or the partner of your partner, or your nationality… when you’re completely on your own in the middle of nowhere special with nothing to do but be… who are you.  And I gave that some thought… and chatting with the others about it afterwards I came to a point where I think I know who I am, or at least, I’m in touch with who I am – but, there was something that felt out of joint when I stripped off those labels to get at the me that’s left.  It evaded me for a little while, then I figured out the problem was the labels.  In my mind here, the labels are the ‘What’ I am, while the me without labels is ‘Who’, and in my life, the ‘What’ contradicts with the ‘Who’. 

If that makes sense. 

I don’t like what my work contributes to.  Sure – I make a difference when I can and like to think I have a positive influence in decision making that would otherwise be less tempered by… well… I play the games so I can win the odd round.  Anyone with any element to politics in their job will identify with that I think.  And it’s not all bad either – there’s some good in the service portfolio of my work, in fact it has to be at it’s core or no-one would need us and we’d have no business full stop, but it’s just littered with so much other stuff that is perhaps slightly less… based on best intentions.  I suppose that’s business.  I’m just saying I think sometimes we don’t do all we can do in the best interests of peoples lives, though sure, if we did we probably wouldn’t be around for long. But in my personal work remit and how it feels… well the truth is, what few situations I can push positively in, are vastly outweighed by how good I am at my job in the rest of the situations.  I’m not exactly making a legacy of my life… I think that’s why I treasure my time at e8 so highly.  Sure I was poor, very poor, and it wasn’t a sustainable life perhaps, but through all our trials and tribulations, the lean months and the hard sweat… we know, (potentially on the rarest occasions on a global and lasting scale), we know we did some good in this world, in some peoples lives, and it was my honour to be part of those things.  But that’s not what I am now, and maybe that’s ok… but… there’s a part of ‘Who’ I am that demands that.

I had this sussed.  I figured it out before, when I was deciding what to do post-London and if you recall I went to join the RAF.  While we’re being a bit more open than usual, and since I don’t suppose it matters anymore, MOD had been the goal for a long time.  Even going to London, working for e8 was a short term arrangement at first.  Six months to one year I confessed in my initial lunch/interview with Matt to be my commitment limit, and I explained my ongoing application to GCHQ.  That application was moved to MI5, and I interviewed at two stages for a position with them.  I didn't get the post, and there was a day when I walked through the streets of London city heavily weighed down by the knowledge I’d never get to retry that process again, and the aspiration to be what I knew I could have been had to slip away and let me lift my head to fresh ambitions.  I decided where I was (elucid8) had at least been a good thing in the world, and refocused to commit there longer.  When I left to force myself to find a next step, I found the RAF and I realised there was another chance to do the job I knew I was made for.  It’d be harder, and it’d have more strings attached in ways I was less equipped to deal with, but it was a plan for my life that fulfilled who and what I was and could be, and could be good at.  And it didn’t come to pass. 

So, now I wear the only labels that were to hand, and like everything I try to wear them well… but… it’s not who I am.  I don’t know there’s a way to ever be that now, not completely – not all day – and that can’t be unique to me.  You can miss it sometimes, you do.  And you know it’s not so bad – it’s like I said – at some point in your life, even if you don’t meet those aspirations – you become content.  Because life isn’t really about your plan, or what you think you’re going to be.  You don’t happen to life, life happens to you – and one day you’ll have a loving family and a community who are part of you and you’ve brought safety and security and provision to your loved ones and you realise life worked out pretty well despite your best plans.  But I’m not sure I count on that.  I’ll never stop aspiring, because I have nothing but my aspirations to be content by.  And what stopped me in my tracks this lunch time at that realisation, was that I don’t see a way to meet those aspirations anymore. 

But… it’s not an entirely bad thing.  I mean, it sucks, sure. It’s that afternoon in London city all over again and it’s heavy, and it even hurts a little.  But just like then, it’s not just an end – it’s a challenge to find something new.  New aspirations.  A lot of doors are closed to me – I can’t serve the public in an establishment pretty much full stop, but that doesn’t mean I’ve no way to make my mark, or rise to something… useful… to someone.  Maybe it’s a simple as nurturing the heart and giving another thought to becoming someones’ special someone.  There’s a lot of stuff I packed away at various points because they weren’t convenient or I didn't quite see how they’d fit in at the time… and maybe there’s something more to those things.  I’m not over the loss of my MoD ambitions, truth be told it fills me with sadness to think about it, but I’ll get there, and at the same time, I’m looking forward to what else can now be.

__
Phil
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OASC

I just got back from OASC (pronounced Os-ack for some reason).  It stands for Officer and Aircrew Selection Centre, and is involves 3 days of extensive mental testing.

I'll blog about it in more detail shortly, but for now, I'll just say it seemed to go well - I got to the end of it and now I have to wait 3 weeks to hear the final result.

Eek.

Anyway, thanks for all those who prayed and supported me in preparation of this, it really made a huge difference.  Course this is not the last I'll be needing of that, as there is still the physical testing portion to come!

That's all for now - will tell ya'll about it more depth soon :)
__
Phil

Bap bap badda ba! Bap bap badda ba! Bap bap badda ba! Ba!

Start spreading the news, I'm leaving
today... I wanna be a part of it – New York New York!

Sorry this is a little bit short notice
everyone, and sorry I haven't had time to let anyone know
individually – I'm just hoping people who notice I've disappeared
will come here for clues and read this :)

I'm going to NY with Caleb for a
spontaneous (as in... booked it last night) adventure. 8 days in
Manhattan, with no sane explanation that I can offer. Only this –
We're living the dream.

Be good! Have fun! Read all about it
when I get back! :-D
__
Phil

Nuu Pee See!

I have a new PC.  An Acer Aspire GemStone 5920G.  It is beautiful and does everthing with Core2 Duo (2GHz), 2GB of standard RAM and 1GB of Intel's new TurboRAM, an NVIDIA GeForce 8600M GS, which has 1GB of dedicated memory and runs Dx10.  250GB HDD, 15.4" Widescreen, Dolby's 'Virtual Surround Sound with Subwoofer'... whatever that means on a laptop, and thier Home Theatre System, including a HD output connector for HD TV's, and a HD DVD Drive.  In built mic, cam, bluetooth and wifi.

Tis Hot.

My only wish is that it had a 124 pin MiniPCI socket, because without one I can't use the docking station I got in a bargin purchase under the hope it'd work with it.  Ah well - there's always ebay for that.

It's smooth as silk, though I have managed to make it struggle for a few moments when I ran a second screen at max resolution, WoW on highest video settings, Napster, MSN, Yahoo, 3 browsers with a good number of tabs in each, one on heavy .NET pages, and voice recognition.  When I did that, WoW got just slightly less smooth, so it does have limits.

Yeah ok I'm showing off - but I'm allowed :-P  Nuu Pee See!
__
Phil

Normally, I only ride Epic Mounts... but... let's talk

I got me an Epic Flying Mount :-D  It's a Golden Gryphon in Green Armour Plating, and it's beautiful.  On the ground it travels about 60, 65% faster than I can run, and in the air it travels about 260% faster than I could run with the added bonus of avoiding obstacles (for you WoW'ers who are confused by those figures, they're less than what you expect not cos I got a dysfunctional gryphon, but because I can run faster 30% than the average bear... and person).

 

I took it for a quick spin last night from ShadowMoon Valley to Shattrath and I sware I felt tingly feelings in my stomach.

This is sad I know.  And it's in fact, 30% sadder than it would be for the average bear... and person, since I fly in real life and *still* get that excited about the Gryphon.  The very same day in fact, I'd been up in the microlight from St Micheals Airfield (North of Preston) to Caernafon in Wales (West of Snowdon) and back again, following the coast, over the mouth of the Mersy with the city scape spanning the river a short way in land, and between and over the beautiful Welsh hill tops to have a big fried breakfast in the airfield cafe as we chat with the other flyers, families who've come to see the planes fly in and out, and to the RAF boys who'd come to sit about the club house.  As an added bonus, one or two of the airfield staffers were *hot*.  I'm talking diet coke ad hot - everything went slow motion.  We had a look round the air museum and I spent a while getting tips from the RAF crew about passing selection which is going to be very helpful indeed.  I've asked service men of the RAF for tips before but wearing a normal business suit.  The answers you get are 'Be yourself', 'relax in the tests', 'do your best', etc etc.  This is useful, but when you ask whilst wearing a flight suit, you get much different responses, 'In the interview, they'll ask [this] - and it's a bit of a trap cos most people say [this], but it's much better to say [this]...' and 'In the hanger exercises there's a bit where they do [this] and they'll be observing you not for [this] and [this] like you'd think, but in fact, they watching [this] - the situation is all just enduced to make you drop your guard in [that] way', etc etc...

Woot.

More Interviews To Come

The interview on Friday went well. I had good answers to the questions and everything I saw of the place and the people there reassured my impression that it's going to be a cool place to work. There is a second interview where I will continue to square off with another applicant, this time to test my technical aptitude.

The questions I'm told will be vague and mostly none language specific. In a sense I'm confident that I'll come through this interview quite well - much better than if they were asking C# specific questions where my experience is very limited. On the other hand I'm worried my rival candidate will also interview very well in this stage, having university fresh in his mind and a placement year working with application development not to far behind him either. It's fair to say my OOP skills will be a little rusty after 2 years of ASP development. But the guy seemed very appreciative that programmers don't hold all their skills in their heads at all times, and as long as they understand what they're doing they then find the syntax as and when they need it, and I'm guessing this is what he meant they account for when he said it wouldn't be very specific questions.

Anywho...I'm gonna brush up :-P

They'll be in touch on Monday/Tuesday to arrange an interview time for the late week. This is the last interview they're planning on, so after that, it comes down to the decision.

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMM!

If I get the job, I'm going to help the other guy with his CV and stuff and to find another job. If he gets it, I'm going to move into his house until I find a new job. Sounds fair to me :-)

After the interview I dropped in on Caleb (tis on the route home), and played some Halo. I usually figure I'll get 0-2 points in a halo game against people who play more often. It's one of those games where familiarity and past use has a direct relationship with the points you'll get, but only in one of the matches did I suck like that - in the others I got 6pts and 8pts, etc (first to 15 with 3 - 4 players per game), coming in 2nd and 3rd. I still got it :-P

I also had a chippy, with, wait for it - gravy. Yeah - Pudding and Chips with Gravy. I'd almost forgotten what that's like. So bad for you, yet so good.

Anyway, that was my Birthday, I'm now an ancient 24. I'm off to pull and 18 year old to reassure myself I'm still sexy.
__
Phil

Bye Bye Blackbird 3/4: Work

Blackbird, singing the blues all day,
Right outside of my door.
Blackbird, why do you sit and say,
There's no sunshine in store.
All through the winter I hung around,
Now I begin to feel onward bound,
Blackbird, gotta be on my way,
Where there's sunshine galore.

Well to cut a long story short, for those who don't yet know, I'm leaving the elucid8 team. So much has changed in my life over the past 3 years and maybe no more than in the last 4 months. Through it all a part of my identity has been in found in my work. For a while, last year especially, it was about all I placed my identity in, so to leave it fills me with a deep sense of loss.
People have asked me about my timing - why leave now? What's changed this month? Etc etc. I think it's probably easier to ask what hasn't changed, but even so, the decision isn't out of the blue - it's been on the cards for a year in a way, and when I had to move from Carshalton my rent went up significantly so it comes to mind with greater frequency.

Work aside, It's not been all that well hidden to most that I've felt pretty depressed these last few months. Not without due cause, which I won't go through just here, but yeah - it's been a gauntlet, and I wasn't in a great place at the start. Now we're here, a new year, in the aftermath of my life. It continues to be hard; I can't find energy or passion for my daily tasks, and that impacts my quality and abilities. Right now, elucid8 needs a keen workaholic skilled energetic young programmer with few needs, and I'm not so much that guy. I've also not been immune to seeing friends I shared a graduation year with being promoted and getting on with there careers. It won't be the reason but it adds in. So as much as the flexibility, workmates, and projects have made it worthwhile before, the situation's not going to work for anyone soon enough. The shake needs to happen before e8's losing out and for me, it's now time for many reasons, including lifestyle, money, training, and perhaps something as fickle as my mood and atmosphere.

I'm happy to say the memories I take of e8 are fond and warm. I've been with elucid8 for over two and a half years now. I've had 4 desks, 2 offices, and 5 computers. That means I change stuff more than anyone else in the company, but hey - I like new things :)
It's not always been easy, there's been more than a few late nights and hell, more than a few all-nighters spread over the many months. A lot of people don't really get why I don't mind working in such a way. That's because they don't understand creative work I guess - you get into it, your mind starts seeing the text and code differently - it's like an engrossing story or puzzle, and you can't always switch off and go home when you're pumped on it. It's been a place that at times, I've thrived on the way we work, and that's very rewarding.

I'll miss my workmates, and the guys at ALOVE. It's been a privilege to work on projects that go towards making the world a better place, and to make a difference to at least those people that make a difference... If you follow me. I know a few people are even envious of the position I've had here, the work I've done and the contribution it makes. It really has been an honour for all that and I thank the people who gave me this time.

We've laughed, we've cried, we've lost consciousness from prolonged exhaustion. It's been a hoot... Now I gotta be on my way.

'Where am I going?', I'm sure you're eager to know. I have not a clue. Could be anywhere in the world I guess... Footlose and fancy free I think the phrase is. All I can say is watch this space, and think of it as an adventure!
__
Phil

Bye Bye Blackbird 2/4: The Boy

These song bits are getting more tenuous and coming in reverse order best I can tell... Ah well, I started with the theme so I'll go on...

Pack up all your care and woes,
Here I go, singing low,
Bye Bye Blackbird.
Where somebody waits for me,
Sugar's sweet, so is he,
Bye Bye Blackbird.
No-one here can love and understand me,
Oh what sorry stories they all hand me,
Make the bed and light the light,
I'll be home late tonight,
Blackbird, Bye Bye.

One month ago, The Burning Crusade came out, and I decided to spend the weekends at home. As well as the direct result of my character being level 64, this decision has had several knock on effects. I broke up the newly designated recreational time with West Wing box sets and socialising, which soon resulted in the presence of a man in my life (the socialising more than the west wing).

 

He's a real nice guy, has terrible taste in jokes, but he cooks so it's forgiven. I think I'm still trying to mask the random craziness that lies beneath my calm exterior, but sooner or later I'm going to need to open up a bit more. Anyway, it's early days and right now, we're just good mates. He makes me smile, and it's nice to feel that way with someone again.  

So he's been what's kept me off WoW, expansion pack or not (there's a good opportunity for a joke here I'm sure), and I've loved every Real World second of it :-D

 

What'd be great, is if I can get him hooked ont he old WarCrack too :P
__
Phil

Bye Bye Blackbird 1/4: Car

 

Bluebird, bluebird, calling me far away
I've been longing for you.
Bluebird, bluebird, what do I hear you say?
Skies are turning to blue, I'm like a flower that's fading here,
Where ev'ry hour is one long tear.
Bluebird, bluebird this is my lucky day.
Now my dreams will come true.

 

Well... I sold my car.  Bluebird, the two seater Smart car is currently in West London, supplimenting what is now a small fleet, previously made up of two vans in a builders family business.  The verse above is part of a song called 'Bye Bye Blackbird', and if I'm really clever, I'll be able to link each verse to one of my 4 part blog posts because... it seems appropriate.  Bluebird is the positive in the song - it's home, family, freedom, and love.

 

I was sad to see it go, the car once belonged to my Grandfather and was his pride and much joy towards the end of hs life.  That car's since taken me round the nation on work and social trips; gigs; holiday; demon slaying; relocations; and more.  Smarts are great cars for those people who when they're honest, have lifestyles that call for nothing more - they're nippy, responsive, comfortable, cheap to run and just no hassle.

 

When I first brought the car home, I ran up to the loft and started digging through boxes of old toys and stuff.  I was looking for a small red box that you held infront of your eye.  Inside, a negative sat against the white base, which you held up to the light so it would illuminate the picture and you'd see the photograph of my grandparents inside.  They were at a meal, looked like a ball room dancing kind of occasion, and they're eating a very english meat and two veg in their poshest clothes.  They both look really happy there, it's just how I remember them being when ever I go see them.  I found it amongst the Visionaries and Ring Raiders - I probably used the little angled red object as an extra fighter plane in my air armada of Manta Force toys at some point and it ended up in that box.  It since lived in my car, in the draw below the ash tray and when no-one's looking and I'm sat waiting in a carpark or some place... I often sneak a look and spend a few moments remembering my Grandad.

 

So yeah.... I'm sad to see it go.

 

The money is helpful, because it gives me a little to live off while I look for another job.  This is important, because I quit my job.  I really really want to spend money on a new computer - I've been telling everyone who will (or wont) listen for about a year now that Feb/Mar 07 is the *best* time to buy a new PC, and definately not before.  I've been holding my PC together with gaffa tape to stave off replacing it, and shared the dreams of computers I'm drooling over when I saw their 'Coming Soon' publicity.  My predictions on hardware have been bang on the money so far, and I still think now's the time, but I've waited this long, and while a PC bought now will get the most time out of it, personally speaking it's no better a time to be spending for anything, let alone a top spec PC.  As soon as I'm hooked up with a source of income, a new PC is my only goal but I'm keeping the card in the wallet for now - the car will go to feeding and sheltering me before anything else. 

After that, it'd be nice to start making some savings, start a pension, and pay off debt - it's time I started having grown up finaces.  

I know I know... I'm getting old.

 

So while I didn't want to sell Bluebird, ever, it would have to happen one day, and it's not going for the sake of a computer - I'll need the savings for the next month or two to live, and I'd stopped driving a while ago because the cost of insurance was just too much and I don't really need a car anyway.

In a month or two... or three or four... I'll buy that flagship computer and on it, I'll place the little red view peice and remember Grandad when I sit down at the end of each day to join my friends online.  And I'll still miss my little car :)

__

Phil

Big Changes

Appologies for the lack of blogging lately.  Everything is going on and there's no time to write about it.  Just so you know I'm alive though (and Amanda I will return your call today to assure you of that by phone - sorry to not have done it sooner), the plan is that there will soon be 4 entries posted.  One will be about my car, one will be about my work, one will be about my 'love life', and one will cover everything/anything else.  And then you'll all know why it is no-one's heard from me for a week or two.

It wont be tonight though, for tonight I'll be down at the 24-7 London Boiler Room till too late to blog :)

 

In the mean time, something to ponder...

 

If you could wake up tomorrow with one of the following abilities, which would you choose:

 

a) The ability to hear people's thoughts (someone will wonder if this ability has an on/off toggle.  Let's say they're generally quiet unless you focus on them)

 

b) To remain permanently in top physical shape for your age without effort, giving you not superhuman, but peak human physical abilities, a lot of energy, and of course - a damn hot body.

 

c) The ability to understand & speak any 4 languages fully and fluently. (if so, which languages you gonna go with?)

 

Until next time!

__

Phil

Operation 'PEACEMEAL'

Every now and then, I'm awake in the morning while the birds are still singing their tunes, and the HGV's are still taking shortcuts through the suburbs before the commuters come to gridlock those small open roads.

On such glorious mornings as these, I like to have a leisurely breakfast at José’s café.

Little did I know, stepping through the understated gateway into this hallowed hall of purest coffee and fry ups, that today the dynamics of staff and customer would forever change.  A bit.

José... Or whatever his name is took my order as normal, penning down a list of indistinguishable marks as I specified my breakfast content. Now normally, his faithful wife would be leaning past the partition eager to take the order and begin the process that ultimately leads to my contented stomach, but today, she stood at the far end of the kitchen, scowling through the hatch.
José continued with his routine though, making my foam topped cappuccino and smothering the soft white peak with chocolate powder, offering the caffeine loaded cup across the counter and gesturing me to sit.  I took a table and looked up, noticing my order was still on the front counter.  José turned to speak to the woman lurking in the back, waving my ticket at her with a despairing tone. She was quick to reply, showing unusual dislike for the jolly café host, and while I could not understand the language, gun to head, I’d guess she said "Well how am I meant to make it if you don't *pass* me the ticket? I'm not physic!"

What a change though eh? Until today, these people who'd made my breakfasts for over 2 years had simply been bacon vending machines to my dull, sleepy, morning ritual. But here they were - undeniably real people with passion and everything! More importantly, what a crisis! My order was still in José’s hand, and I wasn't getting any fuller. The situation was out of control - the crisis had spread to involving my very state of nutrition. Was I to starve over the Great War off José’s café? Collateral damage in a senseless conflict. No, I must intervene. Like a UN task force, I had to break my uninvolved position and act to bring peace between these two great powers so that the stability of the wider café could be restored.

Operation 'PEACEMEAL' was about to whirl into action. I'd first find an entry point - some trivial unguarded conversation piece that I could casually drop in, ideally something in the vicinity of harmony or love, so I might quickly go on to make a unifying sweep across both fronts, employing the 'Personal and sincere compliment' tactic, reminding the duo in a two step conversation what a great team they make, and belittling their troubling fall out problems under a greater purpose.

The plan didn't quite execute like it did in my head, turning out as more or a smile with raised brow, accompanied by a slight nod... possibly there was a murmur of some kind too, but otherwise failing to develop into words. As it happened, they returned the wry smile and nod, stopping their argument to proceed with making my breakfast. So ok... No great peace making... But it did get my hunger back on the priority table at least... so a partial victory right?

 

The fry up was great.  The coffee excellent. And off I went to the office. 

Just to think though - I could have been their champion of peace, breaking through the week on week of silence that coated our irregular contact.  I could have become part of those peoples lives, become real to them, shared in their stories and learnt of their lives. 

 

Ah well.  

 

Maybe tomorrow.
__

Phil

Aggressive Stupidity II

This weekend was Mark’s funeral. It was really hard, but everyone was there, and the whole day was about celebrating his life and glorifying God together, which helped a lot. I’ve never known a person die so gracefully and fearlessly as Mark, right up to the end he was faithful and never once, not once, asked why him, or uttered a word of complaint. An amazing man.

The rest of the weekend involved spending time with friends and family, including my nephews Birthday party, time with Kel, an evening with some uni CU people, and a late night chatting with Caleb.

Now this was an extremely varied group of activities to put in one day. Children’s Birthday parties are crazy things, but once you’ve accepted the madness you can get through it with maybe even a little fun along the way.

Time with Kel was spent catching up and explaining plans of vast social revolution.
I’ll make a separate blog about that I think.

Time with CU people was… well, complicated. I had fun – it was a good evening in itself, but I’m very worried about some of them really, I was a little dumbstruck by the lacking of friendliness and common decency that I’d expect in anyone, Christian or otherwise (this wasn't much towards me might I add – I was made most welcome, but that doesn’t make it any better).
I don’t want to air the dirty laundry in front of everyone so I’m not going into any more detail about that, but this is something heavily on my mind and it’s a challenge to all of us I think – we all lose a grip on our attitudes towards each other without realising. Heaven knows I’m not the guy to go around rebuking people, but I say this with a lot of self reflection in mind too. You have to be loving, forgiving, and full of grace. There’s no excuse for exclusion. It’s not often I sit in a room of Christians and even accepting conservative Christian terms (simultaneously on moderate and liberal grounds too), feel I can take a very large share of moral high ground with my life, and it’s disturbing when I can but it’s how I felt on that night. I guess that’s why it freaked me out so much as I'm not used to being in that position.  Sort out the rejection policies guys - no excuses for them.

It also particularly shone out to me as the evening had begun on the train with a pointed warm up to a debate on how Liberal thinkers are a great danger and should stop misleading the sheep of the church (or at least if they’re charismatic they should – if they’re inarticulate they can carry on speaking). To be then offered this as an example of a none-Liberal group being a ‘Godly community’, led in all things by feverous bible reading and worship songs even while at the same time with their other hand, they can do terribly un.. un… well, very hostile things towards their friends in delicate times… it was almost poetic. I’d say energies spent on maintaining unity could be better placed looking inwards to start off with – join me on the Biblical Interpretations debate later maybe. Ooh Yeah – I got a bit bad ass on you there. Take it.

The evening went onto time with Caleb, which was long overdue and really helpful. We talked till about 3am and covered a few of the things that I’m finding really hard right now – I do miss the old days.

The train journey up to Manchester was a disaster due to overhead cables collapsing on the Manchester-London route. The train journey home went just fine. I’m not having great luck with trains at the moment but I’m averaging a 1:1 ratio of good:bad.

Till next time, be good,
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Phil

Aggressive Stupidity

This weekend I spent a lot of money, but I got to see Mark, Alison, and Chris in Sheffield, and my old uni mates in Manchester – both hose things were worth every bit of course.  It was a little ragged – lots of travel and not much rest, and I could have used a bit of that, but it wasn’t going to be too bad until the train journey home.  Having not slept too much the night before and already having spent over 2 hours on the trains/buses today, I just wanted to get home.  Unfortunately, the carriage I sat on was full of rowdy yobs, and an argument between the yobs and the civilised people broke out before we even left the station.  The Train Manager gave the lads a warning but they were hardly peaceful as we moved on, and kept telling everyone as loudly as they could that after the stop before theirs, they were going to cause a riot.  Yay.
Luckily, the train broke down before we go to that point.  Yay.
We stood on the freezing cold platform for 40 minutes while another train was called in.  It was of course, much shorter, and there weren’t enough seats.  So the rest of the journey was even more comfortable and while the yobs were split up in the chaos and settled down for the rest of the trip, the whiney screaming annoying piercing little brats a few seats up were more than ready to step into the breach and ensure that no-one on the carriage could maintain a shred of sanity.

Rolling into St. Pacras, I walked all the way to the Northern line southbound platform in my zombiefied state before I discovered it was out of action on both routes all the way to Stockwell, and you had to find alternative routes.  Walking back up and to the Victoria line, I headed south to Stockwell, waited 20 minutes for a Northern line tube, and stumbled from Clapham Common station to my flat.

I got some food, chatted to Jon a bit, then Suz on the phone, and went to sleep.  I was woken up at about 4am by a table crashing down in my room, and then again at about 8:00am by Mattius (who I hung up on :P) and then… again by my alarm at 9, and got up about 10.  I didn’t think I’d ever get out of the shower while I stood there in the hot water (first shower since Friday incidentally so I was pretty scanky by then), and managed to get ready, take deep breaths, and drag my feet to work, quite a bit late.  Yay.

The astute amongst you may have noticed my blog hasn’t been much about me lately – just reviews and little things.  This isn’t because nothing’s been going on – it’s more the opposite really and I don’t think I’ve either had it in me or felt it right to blog about any one of the things that constitute the big pile of ‘stuff’ that makes up my life right now.
It’s fair to say, the last month or two have been a train wreck in pretty much every aspect.  Finances, relationships, work, time, health, and all the rest of it – I feel like I haven’t really stopped or achieved very much, if not made things worse where possible.

Not too get too gloomy – I figure everyone who reads this, being related to my life in one aspect or more share the exact same crap situations in some number, so you probably understand and know it’s just something we all have to get through.
I wish this entry was about coming to the end of this time, but I think the hardest parts are still ahead of us and I sometimes feel I’m already beyond my limits.  It’s times like these when it’s good to have places to retreat to emotionally and mentally if in no other way.  Some people suggest prayer, and while prayer is important and effective in some ways, I find in times of hardship prayer is far from restful.  It’s the ground on which you battle the deepest impact of the difficulties – I tend to get pretty intense to be honest.  The church of course is there to give rest and support in times of need, though the church is far from that role in my life these days – I find it quite hard to be around some of the other Christians I’ve been running into, and not feel offended, disrespected and to generally despair within a very short space of time.  I’ve even got a little angry at people I should never feel angry towards, and I’m challenging myself to hold those responses and feelings captive, but if they were to take a break from aggressive stupidity for a while that’d help a lot.

Anyway… I guess I’m saying it was time to do a blog about me, and to round up – I’m a very busy, unstable, useless, high stressed and exhausted mass of steaming emotion who had a very bad train journey home and not nearly enough sleep, on a very uncomfortable bed.
__
Phil

Our House: Part 2

Woot - I finished the painting!  Not as good as I wanted it to be but I've learnt a lot.  The original blog entry about the picture can be found here:

 

http://mercyonmysoul.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!8E4A7499E999D913!251.entry

 

And the finished thing looks something like this...

 

 

 All in all... I'm happy enough with them, hence, they are on the wall.

 

I have a killer headache - woke up with it and still it is with me at 10pm :( Here's hoping it's gone by tomorrow.  Madriva isn't being very nice to work with - I'm going to try a more minimal install and add packages to it at a later date, see if that's any better.  *Sighs*  Never a dull moment eh?

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Phil

All the small things...

Prepare yourself, for the most confussing blog ever!

Cos I was thinking about the time...

We went up to the lake the night before our exam and laughed away the stress
We played on the N64 all weekend and I kicked your butt at everything :P
When we jived in the kitchen at Gilly-Sues party
We stayed over at Gemma's on her birthday
We played CCG at Soul Survivor
I graduated
Suzy.
We sat, in Andy's front room, week after glorious week :)
We spent 4 hours in ikea and bought 4 trollies of funrinture!
We watched Polar Express at the iMax
Matt explained Object Oriented Programming using his boots, a fag, and a lighter... and I translated into java and english
We had a candle lit dinner by webcam :-D
We had our first kiss in my front room on the chair by the window :)
The finalé... of Deep Space Nine
You told me you were pregnant
You told me she was pregnant
We commuted everyday, and it was like coming into a whole new station
You were dying of that viral thingy but we didn't know you much and thought you were just a lazy sod so we kept poking you with stuff.
We drove round Manchester totally lost taking pictures of random churches
You were in love with Becca
I was ill, and you came, and looked after me
We served on the Athena
We served on the Lexy
We played UT in Lab B
You barked in Chapman 2
We all went bowling, and we left the others for dust - I bowled a strike and was winning in the last round - you bowled a turkey. Git.
You and Alun agreed an alliance that lasted about 2 turns of the invasion before you fired on each other and I mopped up :P
You sat on the couch and the 'cusion' moved. Freaked and scared you ran out of the room and alerted me, 'Phil! You have a polar bear on your couch!'
MOO2
We played the baratones.
I made our own CCG cards! :D
Regant Park Theatre
We went to New York, New York!
I took the projector home for 'Routine Maintenance' and we tested it with films, Civ2, and all those good things.
You woke me up every morning.
We woke up together every morning.
You... you like lived at my.. well... desk, for like 4 months without sleeping, eating or leaving the house.
You had long hair and a beard
You cut your hair, shaved you beard, and I walked past you on the first day of term thiking, 'How does that guy know my name' X-D
I wouldn't let you shave your head or dye your hair.
You dyed your hair when you were a safe distance away from me.
Your parents made you shave your head to get rid of the dye.
You deleted all your mp3's
We worked in the board room
We danced in the board room
You smoked in the board room, and Mike turned the fan on the wrong way
You brought a calculator the size of australlia to the exam
Phil & Kill
You asked me to marry you
I asked you to marry me
We went to Uxbridge
GTA2
The International Coffee Lounge
I became a soilder
You became a soilder
You told me you're going to be a soilder
The Darth Maul Mask
RISK!

Please, add some :-)
__
Phil

A Tale of Two Weekends

I never did blog about the weekend before last.  This was mostly due to having written the blog, then losing it, and then getting carried away by frappe angst instead.

But it was an important weekend, and must be blogged about...

 

I went to Manchester, traveling with Dan on the Thursday to my parents house, where we both stayed, before heading into the city, refreshed and suited up for a wedding.  Yes, the middle of a heat wave, and my friends Dave and Jo are getting married.  Boy am I glad I wasn't an usher - those guys had to wear good quality woolen suits with wastecoats and everything all day.  Everyman in the congregation had sweat patches under his arms and down their backs - but the magesty of the occasion was not dulled by the smelly guests at all - it was a heartfelt service with beaming smiles all round.

The reception was great - good food, fine company, merriment and celebration.  We even had, and yes, I realise how big a geek this makes each of us, but we even had amongst all the normal wedding photos, a WoW Guildies Photo of Dave, Caleb, Will, Dan, and myself.  And... and now don't get all judgemental here - I realise how embarrasing this is but it was his special day and Dave wanted it - I'm just such a good friend I'm willing to forgo dignity to make the day special - we did a second WoW photo with assorted character poses.  Plus it was a total breeder fest so there was no potentional pull material to keep dignity for.

Was great to see everyone form uni there, espeically the WoW group and Sarah, Matt, Alex, and Dave P.

 

Seriously though - Dave's an awsome guy and though I don't know Jo as well as I know Dave, I know her well enough to know that she to, is awsome, and wish them a long and happy life together.

We're holding a memorial for Dave's characters on WoW next week, as men find it strangely difficult to ever see the sunsets, oceans and Mountains of fair Azeroth post-marraige. <jk> :-P

 

I crashed at Calebs, and this was good.  Then we made a party happen, and this was good too.  Then we partied, and this was... good.  I even did the BBQ for a bit.  Someone was asking me how I was brave enough to do it, and how they were always uber paranoid when given BBQ responsibility incase they poison everyone.  I shrugged and told him I live in London and very few people here know who I am - I'm also not eating from the BBQ cos we had food before the party, so what do I care if it's undercooked?  He weighed his odds carefully and looked me in the eye for a hint I might be joking, then decided to take his chances and eat a burger.

MJ got very drunk.  He asked me, as the 'classy person', what you mix port with.  I told him 'cheese', then hit him round the back of the head and told him classy people wouldn't even suggest port should be mixed.  He went with Sprite and Port in the end.  *shrugs*

I had a good time hanging out with Will - I always feel my relationship with Will in underdeveloped, but that we're both ok with that, and can happily hang out for prolongued periods without needing to deepen it.  Having said that... I feel I got a deeper insight into Will than I'd ever had, or wanted before, but it's always good to have ample blackmail material right?

Crashed at Caleb again, and hung out with him some more the next day.  This was great.  I really miss Caleb and it was so good to just chill out and talk, watch 4400, and talk, and drink tea, and talk with him.  Why are there no Calebs in London?  Why?!  Pah.

Didn't see Mattius :(  He rang on the Sunday but like MJ, had beocme quite intoxicated on Saturday night and wa s alittle too hung over to make good of the day.  I'll definately catch him next time I'm up though.  And... that leads us to Monday, which I spent having elevensies with Grandma and Mum, and heading of to the station. 

 

Hurah.

 

This weekend just gone... I spent almost entirely on WoW.  Yes, on WoW.  Most of it.  Like, 18 hours worth.  And I'm like, a grown man so I get to do that if I want to :-P

As I hadn't WoW'ed for about a month, this was long overdue, and it allowed me to spend some more time with Caleb and Will, as well as toher guildies who I don't know in RL.  Will and I WoW'ed till 4am on Saturday/Sunday till my eyes bled!  Awsome.

 

I could tell you lots about that - but I wont :P  Other than to say I got Beaststalker helmet for Anny - Woot!  and BurlyTurtle (my pet) and I main tanked BRD cos the warrior was *crap*.  Though this was tough on the healer, it was fun all the same.

 

Picture of a dwarf in Beastalker Armour set (beard not included):

 

All in all, I'm getting a bit of a hankering for home.  I miss my friends more and more and WoW aint cutting it as a dose replacement.  Though, this is possibly due to the lack of WoW time over the last however long (until this w/e), but with all my friends talking about house arragements for the next year as September draws close... I feel a bit issolated.

 

That's all folks,

__

Phil

Bed, Bikes, and Backpacking

So this weekend, I slept in Tim's bed.  No, Tim wasn't in it - he was away, but he said I should try out his mattress on this kind of weekend to help me in my bed purchasing decisions.  My goodness it was comfortable.  It has renewed my passion to get a bed, or at least, a new matress, and so I will.

But let me check the old bank statements first, as this weekend I spent a rather large sum of money on a bike.  It's a real good bike - and I'm using it to comute to work so it's saving me money.  It's large enough for me and designed for low-hastle street riding.  Though it's really hard for me to spend that kind of money, I am pleased with the bike.

 

 

As for backpacking, well, ok, it wasn't really backpacking - I just needed another 'B' word for holiday.  I was tempted by brochure but as the holiday did involve hiking, I thought backpacking was ok to use.  Anyway - I'm not going.  Thought it'd be cool to go to Switzerland for 10 days and have some quality rest time, but given the bike and the need for a matress (and indeed a few annual bills that just swung by), the budget doesn't excuse such lavish expenditures as a group budget holiday.  Perhaps just as well, the trip would make the 30 or so of us all captive to each other, and there would be a spectrum of Christian 'Young Adults' there - and I'm a bad person... I don't think I could get through 10 days without causing severe phycological distress to 1 or 2 of them.  Still... would have been nice to have seen Switzerland. 

Ho-hum - another time perhaps.

__

Phil

Our House

I live in London in a beautiful 3 bedroom flat that's all stylish and modern like.  It's spacious and tidy, but possibly a little on the bland side.

In fact there's a chance we'll be leaving it soon, I don't fancy the idea of finding a new place but you gotta do what you gotta do.  Even so, I'd quite like to make another improvement to the household in the form of art.

Living with a graphic designer and a musician, you may wonder why I, am man born wihtout a sense of astethics, would decide to take on the decor of the front room.  The answer?  Meh.

 

So here's the offending bland wall...

 

 

And here's my thoughts on the sort of thing that should go on it:

 

 Something like that anyway.  I'm into the split canvas thing atm.

 

Either something modern arty like that, or some still life painting along these lines...

 

 

What?!  It's art!  Heh - Just kidding :-P

__

Phil