So I've been getting more than my regular dose of the church lately. Over the last few months I've been going to the Boiler Room in central London, who have become a staple Christian community in my life if you're keen to see things that way. It's mainly about prayer with these guys. We don't come together to get a preach or follow a pattern and sing songs, not that I mind any of that - but boiler rooms are geared more for just coming together, praying, and being part of your every day community. See me trying to define what it is now is proving a little hard cos it doens't fit into my words very well. But there are people there from across the spectrum on theological beliefs and traditions, and it toally doesn't matter, because we all come together to pray, and at the risk of sounding soppy, to love each other.
I mentioned the Philosophy conference a little while back. Not Christian in allignment or anything, but it enevitably questions some of the same things, and has a certain culture of practice that I guess stays in my head as a contrast to the church culture - something it very much did to the boiler room the following week when we decided to have a little study of the bible and debate for the first time in that setting.
In addition to the Boiler Room, Event Season has begun. Not working for e8 anymore, I wont bare a brunt of this period but I wont miss it completely. Youth Rally kicked it off a few weeks back, and I slotted in a Youth Councils last weekend to keep it going. I was only at the Youth Councils to help my freind Paul Brearley, who was responsible for bringing the tech together on the day and did a brilliant job might I add. I just tried to take a few of the time consumers out of the equation on set up and pack down, and took care of addition jobs during the event. It mostly allowed me to take a step back and enjoy the day a bit more than I would have done working on it proffessionally (first person to mention Sam, Tom, or any like them get's a smack). Anyway, it was interesting to see that bit of Church life happening and speak the Christian language for a few hours straight as a stranger to the group. My friend Carl's brother also made for suitable play when I got bored, so thanks for that Craig.
This weekend I was of course in Hedge End with Suz and the good people at her church, the Gap. There were a good range of people there to, and Suz and I managed to get some Rob Bell in, which was a good little experience to round off an several hour discussion about faith that went on till 4am.
Last night we had more debate at the boiler room and it got a lot more meaty than last time.
The effects of all this has been a lot of thinking about faith and God and Chruch and stuff. Through it all I've met new people and they've asked me some questions I've not been asked for a while - like, 'Are you a Christian?' and 'You a bible basher?' that... I don't really know what to say to. I mean I know what to say... to the first man, 'Yes', and the second, 'No'. But the first wasn't really asking if I was a Christian and I knew that. He was asking if I was his kind of Christian and the answer was 'No'. The second wasn't asking if I was an evangelical nut job, he was just asking if I had faith in God, and the answer to that was yes, but needs a bit more opening up. Then people have asked 'What church do you go to?', and I can say, 'London Boiler Room' if I want to just appease them, but I don't think of it as 'a church' and it's not what they mean. The truthful answer is, 'There is only one Church', but then that's seen as being awkward I guess, so then my answer could as easily be 'None', which will trigger them to worry and pray for my soul (good luck to 'em). I guess with regards to church what I've realised is that I'm now an outsider of sorts. I can speak their language, but I don't think in it anymore. I'm not sure what I'm meant to do with a church service. I mean... I do - I know *exactly* what you're meant to do with a church service, better than most people who regularly attend them in some ways, but I just don't have much of a desire to access that, or do anything with the experience. I also know some people who might read this are thinknig 'See he's got all his understanding in his head - all that logic and knowledge but he doesn't have God in His heart and that's why he feels nothing in church' but seriously, guys, take it from me just this once - I got it, I do. I'm not talking about that.
At the same time as being outside the church culture, I'm still valued inside it. And with my outsider vision goggles perhaps valued even more by some now. And I continue to have a strong faith, and an expanding knowledge of it that speaks more than any membership can do.
I don't have a point by the way - I'm just thinking out loud. I usually try to construct my blogs with some points in mind but hey, I guess I might not publish this one.
More questions I'm asked - Do you beleive the bible? What do you do? Is the Salvation Army ok with you being gay?
The middle one's not so much about Church but it is about identity and this all mixes in.
What are you thinking about? You think X - Y - Z. You like A - B - C.
The last two aren't so much questions as much assumptions - this is about people telling me their perception of my identity I guess.
Ok now I'm just rambling. I guess to bring this to some point is that I'm not in much of a hurry to box myself, and a lot of people seem keen to box me right now. Which makes me think maybe I box others too and shouldn't be so sure. Maybe I too box myself sometimes when I shouldn't even be so sure of that.
I'm Phil. All the faith, power, failings, knowledge, skills, opinions, and weaknesses that are ever changing, and ever strong, is unique to me. I'm nothing but myself. That's how I'm feeling right now anyways.
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Phil
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